It finally hit me today. Everything all at once. Everyone has been telling me I don’t have to be strong and I can be vulnerable and it’s okay to be upset. But I was fine until today when everything became real. I have to have chemo and its no longer just a thought or a maybe or a might. It’s real and it’s going to happen and I have to just deal with it. Even though I am surrounded by all these people who love and support me. I still feel pretty alone. Its just hard to be sick when your life is finally beginning. I am like searching for that one familiar thing in all of this and I just can’t really find it.

I don’t do any of this well.

I don’t do vulnerable and I don’t really do sad anymore and when all these hormones are raging in my body it makes me feel like I am just a psycho. I just want something that I know I can’t have. And I just wish I didn’t care about so much of this stuff.

My boyfriend has been great and has been like my rock with all of this but it’s hard because I still am somewhat closed off even to him. I just can’t like lose it.

I still have to be in control. Somewhat

All this stuff puts you in the weirdest place.. Who do you tell? Who do you tell the truth to?

Do you say all the uncomfortable things that you’ve always wanted to tell people or do you just let it all go?

What if this is your last chance to make it right?

There is so much what if and so many unknowns that I drive myself insane with it all.

There’s so many things Id like to say but how? And why?

It’s hard. being sick makes you think…

And it makes you realize… That there are people who you want to hold onto the memory of the past and you just can’t.

People will make you feel valued if you are to them.

I don’t know what to do. Or who to do it with. Or much of anything right now?

Nothing like getting spending a year on getting your life back together for something like this to try to tear it apart again.

Ugh. Can it just all be over yet?

Still overwhelmed by the number of people who were concerned about me. It makes me feel like I can conquer anything. Even the C word!

On a darker note I am having major trouble sleeping. I keep having hospital nightmares and such. And I dream that I wake up in the hospital and can’t breathe or speak and no one can hear me! Or ill try to run for something and my legs just fail. I wake up from this reoccurring nightmare every night in a sweat. :( I can’t go back to sleep after. Make it stop! K thanks!